When Adult Children Move Home: Money & Boundaries

Graduating from university, getting an apprenticeship, or taking an OE used to be a rite of passage, not just for young adults but also for their parents. It marked the moment the young "left the nest" and the parent's job was done.

For many families, the picture looks different today.

The 2023 Census found 34.5% of New Zealand families with children had adult children living with them. Housing costs are the primary driver. Even with affordability improving to its best level in several years, the national house price-to-income ratio remains above its long-run average, and the median national house price still sits well above what most young earners can comfortably service on a single income. Add rising rents, insurance premiums and the general cost of living, and it is no surprise more young adults are staying home longer or returning after a period of independence.

This is not a temporary blip. Data from Australia and the United States confirms the same pattern: housing affordability and cost of living pressures, not any single event, are keeping more young adults under the family roof than at any point in the past two decades.

Here are five tips to make the most of this situation, for parents and the adult child.

1. Everyone Chips In

It should go without saying: anyone living under a roof should contribute to the upkeep of the household.

Paying rent or board is good for adult children too. It helps them develop or maintain healthy financial habits, keeps a sense of perspective, and supports self-esteem. If a young adult cannot afford to pay much, they should be doing well more than their fair share of chores, or perhaps working on maintenance and improvements to the property.

For those between jobs, board payments also provide structure and routine during what can otherwise be an aimless period. Even a modest weekly contribution reinforces the habit of meeting financial commitments.

2. Negotiate Boundaries and Expectations

For Parents: Remember, It's Your House

One of the first must-do things is having a conversation about what is and isn't okay in your house. This may include:

• Shared and private spaces
• Laundry and meal arrangements
• Power, water and internet access
• Privacy, for parents and child alike
• Visitors, including overnight visitors
• Chores
• Behaviour, including whether music, smoking or drinking is allowed in your home

Make expectations clear. Playing things by ear in this area is a sure-fire path to disappointment and conflict.

Remember to let your child have a say in what they want, too. Ideally they'll choose their own chores; they're more likely to get done when ownership sits with them.

For Adult Children: Remember, It's Not Your House

Politely and openly talk about your expectations, and how you'll contribute.

If you like listening to loud music, ensure you're open about when you'd like to play it, and for how long. If your parents aren't interested, find a workaround. In this case, maybe go for a drive to play the music, or invest in a pair of quality headphones so you don't disturb anyone.

When you've got your own home one day, you can make the rules.

3. You're All Adults

Adult children moving back with their parents will usually be accustomed to a lot more freedom than when they lived at home as teenagers. Compulsory family meals, a curfew, or other restrictions might not be appropriate, unless those interfere with the rest of the family or parents.

Parents should avoid asking too many questions or becoming overly concerned with what their children are doing every minute of the day. Treating an adult child as an adult will help them get back on their feet sooner.

4. Timing Matters

Establishing a time frame is important for both parties.

Parents should be clear about how long they are willing to support their adult child. It's a wise move to work towards a date when the adult child is expected to move out and support themselves. This could be within six months or a year.

This eases tensions by giving everyone something to aim for. It also creates a natural window for the adult child to build savings, reduce debt, and start working towards financial independence. If the arrangement is likely to last more than a few months, it may be worth sitting down together to create a financial plan so both generations can see how their goals fit together.

Learn more:

• Don't let supporting your adult children ruin your retirement
• How to kick your grown child out of home

5. Stay Level-Headed and Watch Out for Depression

There can be a stigma attached to adults living with their parents: assumptions of irresponsibility, laziness, or not wanting to grow up. Given the numbers, those assumptions are increasingly outdated. Most young adults returning home are responding to genuine economic pressures, not making a lifestyle choice.

Just because an adult child moves back home does not mean they are going to struggle for the rest of their life.

Unfortunately, although moving back may be financially necessary, many young adults feel guilty about accepting their parents' help. They may become increasingly low in mood and doubt their own self-worth. While some of these feelings are common, parents should keep a close eye on whether their child becomes increasingly angry, withdrawn, or despondent. Small changes can help: a regular exercise routine, consistent social contact outside the home, or a structured daily schedule can all rebuild a sense of purpose. If things don't improve, you may need to encourage them to seek professional support.

The Bottom Line: When Adult Children Move Home

Grown children moving home can be a good experience for all involved. Young adults might learn more from their parents as they can relate in a way they couldn't when they were younger. Parents can also get to know the person their child has grown to become.

No matter how enjoyable this time together might be, it shouldn't last forever. A clear plan, reasonable expectations, and open communication will make the arrangement work for everyone.